Sorry

Looking at my watch, you should’ve been home. Today I regret the night I put that ring on. You’ve always got them fucking excuses.

Today was a big day for me. I was interviewed by an online magazine about my badassery, and the article just went live. I’ve always wanted to be interviewed. I had this childhood fantasy of becoming a celebrity, primarily so that I can be interviewed on late night TV. I think Conan and I could give the crowd a good laugh. What I’d be interviewed for, I have no idea. Young Maggie considered acting, which clearly didn’t pan out. And while I love singing, my voice isn’t all that great. I just always knew I wanted to be interviewed and would have something worth saying; the path to doing so never mattered. Except now it does because it’s my growth in the wake of my husband’s suicide that has my writing and my story out there.

Heck, it IS my story.

To be clear, I feel like a whiny brat and am not above admitting that I’m a complainer. I’m very proud of the article. I’m proud of myself. I also know that this one part of my life doesn’t represent my entire life. I love the advocacy work that I do and hardly have to think about it because it comes so naturally. I don’t force myself to constantly talk about Mark’s suicide. In fact, I sometimes get annoyed when others bring it up in moments when it is NOT on my mind, and I take plenty of time to do other things. I’m an avid reader with an evergrowing library. I’m training for my next half-marathon. I’m starting classes to earn a certificate pertaining to my job soon. I go on dates, which I’m happy to say are starting to become more fun than they were in the beginning. I love to bake and have been branching out to try new recipes. I do LOTS of things that have nothing to do with any of this shitstorm.

Yet here I am, pissed about an article that has the potential to make a massive difference for others.

Grief. Sucks. Balls.

I’m pissed at Mark and have nowhere to put that anger. Hence this post. Likely, nothing else I say will be anything other than bitching with the potential to upset others and diminish their view of Mark, so I’ll finish with this:

Anger is natural. It’s part of grief. It’s part of being human. You can miss someone and despise them at the same time. You can honor their memory while simultaneously giving vent to how very much they hurt you. Your ability to feel deep pain expands your ability to experience immense joy. Do both.